So, its 11 pm i’m laying on my bed wrestling with sleep and the idea that i have ti write something. I have an early morning tomorrow but somehow my mind (even though its well aware of this) has decided no sleep till i write.
You see, the truth is, its been ages since i last wrote, and as it is i have no idea what to write (well i have a rough idea) but i know that if i dont or if i postpone it till tomorrow, i’ll probably lose it.
” The faintest pen is sharper than the greatest memory” said a man i know…. But sometimes even our memories faint and the pen’s nib pierces straight thru our very hearts, maybe thats why we shy away from writing down events that happen in our daily lives.
Worry not, my writing today is no journal, just a confession, from one pen to the other.
Forgive me for my insensitivity
my lack of consideration
how i treated you or didnt at all
When i almost lost it…
I never meant to be impatient
never meant to be rude and talk back at you
i should have embraced you, thrown my arms around you instead i threw them at you,
but if you can only listen for a while, then you’d see
that i saw so much of me in you
so much of what i hated in me
perfectly represented in another
That i almost lost it…..
You asked me if i could be trusted
without thinking i firmly nodded
and didnt hesitate to straight up assure you, how no other soul would ever got to know
but what i didnt say is that
keeping this to myself was kinda hard
it silently gnawed in my heart
and before you could know
i blotted it to another page
and we promised to hide it in another chapter,
and everytime you wanted to share more, honestly,
I almost lost it………
I painted a picture and you liked it
what you didnt know is i had just framed you
showed you only the sides that i wanted you to see and covered the rest in thick layers of beautiful paint
every day you trusted me more
every day it injured me more
i wanted to tell you how bad i was, but i was so afraid that i’d lose you, and so afraid to hurt you
the thought of that was too much
I almost lost it…..
Then one day, without warning with no sign, out of nowhere, the banks burst, I LOST IT
everything i had kept in came gushing out, shamelessly/ uncontrollably, tried to stop it but the heart was abundant, so i said stuff i shouldnt have to people i shouldnt have/ i broke the promise, big time.
I know you’re disappointed, but before you cast the stone just hear me out.
When i lost it i realised one thing, that i never had it, i never did and i never will.
I cant keep anything to myself coz i have nothing for myself.
Matter of fact i learnt that all along i should have died to self.
So here’s my apology
not for losing it, but for almost losing you.
For pointing you towards me rather than to Christ.
For reading you stuff contrary to His Word.
For not telling you about the book of Jeremiah
that ”cursed is the man who puts His trust in a man”
for Not being man enough to accept i am weak….
I’m sorry for denying you the joys of solely depending on Christ NOt the arm of flesh.
But tonight i’m pointing you back there. Back to where it was Won, back to The Cross, back to the feet of Mercy
to the greatest gift
He gave me a responsibility and i Almost Lost it,
to tell you that HE’LL Never Lose you
That hell never owned you.
That men never raised you…
And that if you have to lose it, lose your life, coz then in Him, you’ll gain it.
For God’s glory Solely